Important Announcement

Dear Shareholders and Clients

It may have come to your notice from utterly irresponsible press reporting that there has been an unfortunate incident at the Bank's London Branch. Wildly inaccurate journalism has claimed that our star trader, Mr Karaoke, lost £2B of the Bank's money by placing it on red at the Wonga-Wonga Casino in Soho.

This is entirely inaccurate. It was $2.3B.

I had every reason to trust Mr Karaoke's ability to predict the dropping of balls into small holes as he assured me that he had the second sight inherited from his maternal grandfather who was a Druid. So the fault lies entirely with Mr Karaoke and no blame should be laid at the door of myself or other members of the corporate management.

I must also lay to rest the scurrilous press rumour that Mister Karaoke was betting with clients' money. The $2.3B was merely some loose change that we found down the back of a sofa while looking for a lost remote control.

I am aware that gambling debts are not enforceable under English law but was persuaded by the Wonga-Wonga Casino's Customer Relations Executive, a Mr Tony Soprano, that it would be in our best interests to pay up.

The lost $2.3B can easily be recovered by sacking unimportant Bank employees such as counter staff and compliance officers.

We must now look to the future stability of the Bank. As such, it is vital that we retain key management staff so we will be doubling corporate management bonuses this year. I have been reluctantly persuaded that I must lead from the front by immediately awarding myself a 473% pay rise.

Herman Grubber

CEO The Cuckoo Bank of Switzerland

The Old Bunker

Geneva