Tuesday, 6 October 2009

No One Expects




The Secret Diary of Inquisitor Klunkenhorn, aged 107½

Monday: Practice flashing my hand-mounted Inquisition rosette hologram projector in front of the mirror. Still worried about the hologram colour. Not convinced that pale yellow suggests sufficient gravitas. Perhaps I need a better wrist action? Try new flicking motion. Demonstrate to valet.
Downside: Have to beat him on back to cure choking fit with which he is suddenly afflicted.
Upside: Impact of back slapping on projector causes hologram colour to reset to lime-green.

Tuesday: Take tea in order Xenos Senior Common Room. Chaps on fine form. What wags. They have christened a brother Inquisitor ‘Snotfinger’. I laugh until my throat hurts.
Downside: No one will tell me name of Snotfinger.
Upside: Everybody looks at me when I leave – positive thinking training clearly working.

Wednesay: Visit cogboy and show him rosette. He has unexpected malfunction of voice-box. Cogboy assures me he can fix the problem.
Downside: He hits my hand with mallet.
Upside: Palm supercharged battery for my powersword from cogboy workbench.

Thursday: Attend annual Inquisition charity dinner dance in aid of distressed servitors.
Downside: Powersword shorts and sets my dress trousers on fire.
Upside: Pretended trouser-dropping was new dance move - think I got away with it.

Friday: Try to arrest Slaaneshi Cult. Demonstrate inquisitorial authority by flashing hologram.
Downside: New colour is shocking pink.
Upside: Slaaneshi cult make me their HR Director - pay poor but perks are interesting.

Saturday: Try to find cogboy but he is never home when I call. Slaaneshi cult insist on worshipping my rosette.
Downside: Hologram has started writhing in a strange way.
Upside: Sorority girls think it looks cute.

Sunday: Grand Lord Inquisitor Blowerhorn demands to see me in his office at his earliest convenience about an important matter.
Downside: Woken up at dawn by squad of Arbites.
Upside: My overdue promotion must have come through.

14 comments:

  1. So Sno..er..Klunkenhorn
    I take it the pills are not working
    calm thoughts, darkened rooms...

    ReplyDelete
  2. That's funny, can't wait for next weeks instalment.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think I saw this fellow in the mirror one morning!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Slaaneshi perks are interesting, but Nurgle gets more sick days.

    ReplyDelete
  5. never any compassionate leave though :(

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear Col
    Funny? It's bloody tragic.
    John

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear geek
    Most of my writing is autobiographical in some way.
    John

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dear Mike
    With Nurgle every day is a sick day,
    John

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dear Cap'n
    Compassion is for the weak, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha....nurse, the screens.
    John

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hahahaha, this was great! Thanks for the humor.

    ReplyDelete
  11. 40k humour which is actually funny?? Thanks for a rare treat! :D

    ReplyDelete