Saturday, 11 June 2011

Attack Of The Crocodile God - Hail Caeser

The Crocodile God, Shawnicon Crocomagnus, has taken umbrage at the beings who live on the shores of the Black Sea for being effete couscous-eating southerners who think black pudding is is an overweight lass from Wolverhampton. He, therefore, raises an army of the dead and is marching down the River Jaxarxes to give them a sound thrashing - in a manly sort of way - and force feed them battered black pudding made from the blood of Loch Ness toad deep-fried in super-saturated fats according to an old Achturmuchty recipe.

Threatened with a fate worse than death, the effete couscous-eating southerners take an oath to resist unto death, swearing an oath of unity over a bottle of chablis chilled to exactly 3.34 degrees Centigrade. They hire the well-known Greek Mercenary General, Kleftiko, who is taking a holiday on the Black Sea coast for his health after the Spartan King, Muggeophon, caught him holding two Mister Bun the Baker cards with another one in the hole.

He soon whips the southerners into line, using the little-known Mosley training schedule, and blocks Crocomagnus' route south at the ruins of the Temple of the Forgotton God. Kleftico has two companies of Greek Mercenary heavy hoplite infantry and a company of similarly equipped Amazons as the core of his army, two companies of peltasts, one Amazon, one snake-people, two small units of snakepeople blowpipe skirmishers, a troop of Parthian horse archers and a troop of Scythian heavy cavalry.

The Army of the Dead advance, except for those who fail to hear the trumpet call, probably because they have no ears. Kleftiko sends out his skirmishers and Parthians to harass them. The Scythian heavy cavalry ignore the order to move up. Crocomagnus concentrates his infantry on the right wing, threatening the peltasts anchoring the southern left wing, intending to pin the southern hoplites by harassing them with his light chariots and cavalry.

 Battle is joined. The Scythians still refuse to obey increasingly frantic orders from Kleftiko, and one of the Greek Mercenary hoplite companies retreats rather than advances. Treachery! Crocomagnus has made them a better offer.

The Parthians perform brilliantly, shooting up the dead cavalry and charging through the resulting hole to tackle the skeletal chariots from the rear. One of the skirmisher units breaks. Due to a slight cock-up on the command control front, the southern peltasts engage the skeletal infantry with hoplites in support on the flank. It was supposed to be the other way round. Kleftiko himself joins the battle to inspire the peltasts, and is fortunate to escape unhurt when they break. He gallops out of the fray. The Scythians finally charge the chariots in the flank but it is too bloody little, too bloody late.

Kleftiko applies a Mosley to his horse's rear and keeps going. If he can just get back to camp before anyone else he can claim victory and demand his bonus.


  1. Great report. I wish there were more like it. That first paragraph alone had me wheezing, and I barely stopped to type this note of appreciation. Tremendous.

  2. Great report and nice painted figures!

    Reminds me on the movies "Mummy" and "Scorpion King" ;-)


  3. Dear Peter
    Two of my favourite movies. I have low tastes and love pulp.

  4. An enjoyable read. How to turn defeat into victory, indeed.

  5. Dear Gamer
    One must be adaptible to be a mercenary general, andnever lose sight of the objective - to get paid.