Sunday, 4 November 2012

The Liberators: Must try harder

Fifteen centuries ago the Roman tyrant Vortigern invited Hengist to bring a few of his Saxon mercenaries over to Kent to defend Roman civilisation. They arrived in just three ships. Hengist's descendents have been defending civilisation all over the world ever since - see parts of the world coloured pink.

However this vital civilising mission is still not complete. Of the 200 or so countries of the world at least 22 have never been invaded, er civilised, by the English and their British allies (we civilised them first).

This lamentable state of affairs has occured because (i) we have wasted our energies by civilising some nations more than once (see France, Belgium), (ii) some of the places were too small to find before satellite navigation (see Lichenstein, Marshall Islands) and (iii) some were a long way inland (see Mongolia, Bolivia) which prevents issues for a seafaring people: our civilising missions tend to turn up in warships.

However, this does not explain our failure to invade Sweden. It even has a coast.

Mind you, when I hear the boasts of the American Neo-Cons about their 'aggressive overseas policy'. Ha: bloody amateurs!


  1. Can't believe we let the Swedes off the hook. I'll get the landing crafts ready...

  2. The marshall islands were liberated by the United States in WW2. As the closest British ally and a former British colony, I think you should mark countries invaded by the US off your list as well.

    In terms of the whole colonization thing, warfare is so old school. Cultural diffusionism is where it is at today!

  3. Does Paraguay has a welsh colony there I am sure I saw it on the Hairy Bikers.

  4. The Scots were a large part of the Swedish army in the 30 Years War. Their main technical university (Chalmers) was named after a Scot. Does this count?

  5. Dear Anon
    I don't think so as they were fighting as mercenaries rather than invaders. I suppose we could claim it as a score draw, perhaps?

  6. Re Scots Mercenaries
    Don't forget the Barclays Barclay de Tolly was one of the generals in the Russian army at the time of the Napoleonic war I think his forbears had been brought over under the ageis of Peter the Great a french speaking Scottish Russian I'm pretty sure its the same family tree as the bankers (when it was a family concern) re foriegners we haven't taken over Blucher was actually a Swedish prisoner of war captured in the 1760's I think when he was very young is that every one conquered now?

  7. Still not convinced mercenaries count.

  8. Well - never seen it presented quite like that, but it's a fantastic sight. Although the white bits are troubling, they shouldn't prove troublesome...we could start ticking them off as we pull out of the sand-pit, should be all-pink by Christmas 2014!!

    And the TA will probably do most of the work...

    1. We could always send in the generals. Apparently the British Army has more generals than tanks.