Wednesday, 23 July 2014

IHMN: Battle Of Camberwick Green or They Don't Like It Up 'Em

Camberwick Green is a small 'village' in South London which was partly destroyed in the Martian Invasion. The Martians left three 'artifacts' in the fields just outside the High Street.

The Mad Mahdi of Omdurman had a vision that the Martians were really Islamic Jihadis and that the artifacts were messages from Jesus who now lived on Mars. Accordingly he depatched Osman Arzak on a Nile Dhow on a long cruise across the Mediterranean Sea, up the Atlantic and Channel and into the Medway. Their objective was to capture the three Camberwick artifacts

The voyage in the tiny sailing boat was ghastly, not least because Arzak insisted on bringing his favourite horse.

Arzak's force included Ansar armed with proper Islamic weapons, swords, spears, shields and a bad attitude, and some Jihadiyya riflemen.

The march of a Mahdist warband through Kent did not go entirely unremarked. The locals were used to Martians, vampires, assorted daemons and the odd Prussian but Mahdists were something else so a platoon from the Buffs under Captain Adrian Nash moved to intercept, hurrying along the Kent lanes in a Thornton steam waggon chased by several farm dogs and a small boy hurling conkers.

Arzak split his small army into four, separating his rifleman out to the wings and dividing his Ansar into two attack groups who raced down the lanes between the fields.

The British rifle fire proved singularly ill aimed and the whirling Dervish reached the 'infidel turks' (aka the Buffs) largely intact. Sudanese riflemen captured the right and left artefacts and Arzak jumped over the fence at a full gallop to capture the one in the centre.

All the Mahdists now had to do was retire with the captured Martian gizmos worth 120 victory points while the Dervish occupied the Buffs. An easy win even if all the Dervish in the rearguard died

That, of course is where it all went wrong.

Captain Nash was an Erudite Wit with a working knowledge of Arabic and he made an unfortunate remark involving Osman Arzak's mother and a diseased camel. Naturally, Arzak took no little exception to such jollities and, forgetting the point of his mission, ordered an immediate assault on the Infidel on his right. Only a single Jihadiyya riflemen remembered what he was about and sneaked off with the loot.

On the Mahdist left flank things proceeded as planned, a Jihadiyya riflemen picking up the artifact and legging it.

Captain Nash died bravely under a hail of spear points but in general the Buffs proved pretty good at bayonet work and the Dervish found they did not like it up 'em.

Even worse, a certain Private Means on the right flank proved to be a crack shot, knocking down each Jihadiyya riflemen in turn who picked up the left flank artifact. He even shot Osman Arzak out of the saddle as he galloped off the field.

When Adrian and I totted up the points we found we had exactly 49 victory points each: a most satisfying end to a great game.


  1. Replies
    1. I do like an implausible back story to add a bit o'colour to the proceedings. Helps the illusion that we are not just playing toy soldiers. :)

  2. Replies
    1. The infidel will be beaten next time if Allah so wishes.

  3. A wonderful tale - I nominate Private Means for the Military Medal for his outstanding service to Her Majesty!

    I have an artillery figure (Gunner Johnston) with a VC painted on him, applied immediately when he single handedly held off an entire wave of Zulus with an unfeasible number of 6s! One of my very favourite figures in my collection.

    1. As the Mad Mahdi, I would prefer Private Meansto be slowly eviscerated under the hot sun before being flown long distance on Ryan Air.

      But good luck to Gunner Johnston. :)