Tuesday, 6 October 2009

No One Expects

The Secret Diary of Inquisitor Klunkenhorn, aged 107½

Monday: Practice flashing my hand-mounted Inquisition rosette hologram projector in front of the mirror. Still worried about the hologram colour. Not convinced that pale yellow suggests sufficient gravitas. Perhaps I need a better wrist action? Try new flicking motion. Demonstrate to valet.
Downside: Have to beat him on back to cure choking fit with which he is suddenly afflicted.
Upside: Impact of back slapping on projector causes hologram colour to reset to lime-green.

Tuesday: Take tea in order Xenos Senior Common Room. Chaps on fine form. What wags. They have christened a brother Inquisitor ‘Snotfinger’. I laugh until my throat hurts.
Downside: No one will tell me name of Snotfinger.
Upside: Everybody looks at me when I leave – positive thinking training clearly working.

Wednesay: Visit cogboy and show him rosette. He has unexpected malfunction of voice-box. Cogboy assures me he can fix the problem.
Downside: He hits my hand with mallet.
Upside: Palm supercharged battery for my powersword from cogboy workbench.

Thursday: Attend annual Inquisition charity dinner dance in aid of distressed servitors.
Downside: Powersword shorts and sets my dress trousers on fire.
Upside: Pretended trouser-dropping was new dance move - think I got away with it.

Friday: Try to arrest Slaaneshi Cult. Demonstrate inquisitorial authority by flashing hologram.
Downside: New colour is shocking pink.
Upside: Slaaneshi cult make me their HR Director - pay poor but perks are interesting.

Saturday: Try to find cogboy but he is never home when I call. Slaaneshi cult insist on worshipping my rosette.
Downside: Hologram has started writhing in a strange way.
Upside: Sorority girls think it looks cute.

Sunday: Grand Lord Inquisitor Blowerhorn demands to see me in his office at his earliest convenience about an important matter.
Downside: Woken up at dawn by squad of Arbites.
Upside: My overdue promotion must have come through.


  1. So Sno..er..Klunkenhorn
    I take it the pills are not working
    calm thoughts, darkened rooms...

  2. That's funny, can't wait for next weeks instalment.

  3. I think I saw this fellow in the mirror one morning!

  4. Slaaneshi perks are interesting, but Nurgle gets more sick days.

  5. never any compassionate leave though :(

  6. Dear Col
    Funny? It's bloody tragic.

  7. Dear geek
    Most of my writing is autobiographical in some way.

  8. Dear Mike
    With Nurgle every day is a sick day,

  9. Dear Cap'n
    Compassion is for the weak, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha....nurse, the screens.

  10. Hahahaha, this was great! Thanks for the humor.

  11. 40k humour which is actually funny?? Thanks for a rare treat! :D